its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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