I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
