I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
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