Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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