and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
