I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you will always have a special place in my vag
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
