is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
