You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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