cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
