Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
