Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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