you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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