so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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