the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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