Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
