Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
