very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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