I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
is it fun? or sober?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
