i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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