Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
