The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
