Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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