Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
