when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
