I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
