Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
They took my balls.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
