omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
a search helicopter?!
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
