someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Screwed.edu
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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