my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
