my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
