we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
