I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
