Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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