Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
