If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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