***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
