I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize