forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
