I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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