so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
