ya dads aren't the best wingmen
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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