I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
