I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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