The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
