Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
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