It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
