he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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