There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I need a burrito and a hug.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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