omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
