This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
