I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
