I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
