I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
