literally had 100 drinks last night.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
