my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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