Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
