I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Ladies don't puke and tell
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.